It’s been more than two years since I’ve posted anything. Heck, I didn’t even know how to log in. Lol. But I figured it out. :) I just haven’t felt like writing…nor did I feel empowered or impressed by God to do so until recently, that is. I’ve been fighting with God about it. I’m not going to lie. It’s hard for me to write since my divorce. Maybe I don’t feel worthy? Maybe I fear people reading are just judging me and my every word trying to decide their views of me? Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like I even know what to write about? Maybe it’s because I have felt numb? But I feel called to push beyond it and I’m trying to be obedient to this prompting that I feel that it’s time to write again. I’m writing as a gift to me. It helps me to dance in the rain. Hopefully along the way someone will be encouraged through me writing and seeking to dance in the rain of life, but mostly I know that I am writing for me because God satisfies my soul when I write. He quenches my thirst and reveals secret mysteries to me as I write. He opens my eyes to see clearly. And I know that in writing again I will begin to thrive.
My word for 2015 is Thrive. I always pray about a word for the year and this is it. What does it mean to thrive? While I’m still learning, I know it is defined as to grow vigorously, to flourish, to prosper, to press toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances. I think of flowers and what they need to thrive. We need the same...sunshine and living water. But we must be positioned to receive those things or we will be weak…and eventually die. I have to position myself to receive.
I’ve continued seeing my counselor over the years and through our various sessions I’m reminded that in order to be a healthy me and to thrive I have to protect time to fill my soul and I have to take care of myself. As a single mom and owner of a business, that is sometimes hard to do. I make excuses. I feel stretched and tired. BUT I am the keeper of my soul. It is my responsibility to care for my heart, mind, and soul. Through waves of depression, lots of change, being a single mom, running a business and sometimes working multiple jobs, I don’t feel like I have the energy to always do the extra for me. I put the needs of Kylie and others around me first. I do that sometimes to my own detriment. But I’m learning through the years that caring for my soul and keeping it healthy is of utmost importance. John Ortberg wrote a book called “The Soul Keeper” and my church is currently going through a sermon series influenced by this book. It’s about our souls, how broken they are and how we need God to restore our souls. It’s been incredible for me to remember that God wants to restore my broken soul BUT I have to position myself better to let Him do so. I have to move closer to the living water…Jesus. I have also been reminded that the condition of my soul determines the quality of my life. So…I must re-prioritize. I knew I needed to get back into community where iron sharpens iron in the context of loving and caring for other. So…I joined a small group with my boyfriend. I knew the first thing I need to do is connect with God in the morning before anything…so I read my “Jesus Calling” devotional and pray/soak in truth….and I’m hoping to push beyond that and start reading my bible more often. I knew deep in my soul that I’ve been yearning to write again and that to overcome my fear meant just doing it…like Nike. :) I know that a part of me is aching for exercise and free creative expression through painting and crafting. So…I shall make time to do so this week or next. All of these things fill my soul and breathe life into me yet I don’t always make time for them.
So…I shall venture to do these things again. I vow to be a good keeper of my soul. The only way to move beyond the fear, the apathy, and the crap of the past is to fully embrace today and do something. I have a quote on my desk that says, ” The time for action is now. It’s never too late to do something.” So today I begin my journey of writing again. Today I press on towards thriving. Today I will choose to “fix my thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable…the things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” (Phillipians 4:8) Today I cling to the truth that restoration happens every single day in the moments that lead me to connect with God. Restoration of my soul and inner healing happens daily between me and God.
So God…let’s do this. I’m letting you in. Thank you for being faithful in pursuit of my heart and for not giving up on me even when I’m an angry child throwing a tantrum. Help me to “guard my heart…for I know that everything I do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23) May my soul only be satisfied by you. I am yours.